...back home...

"Amazed" by Desperation Band

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
How You love me

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me

How wide, O how wide Lord
How deep, O how deep Lord
How great, O how great
Is Your love for me

Lord I'm amazed, amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed, amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed, amazed by You
How You love me

This song ended up being one of our favorites in Om*n, and I have to say that it speaks volumes about my whole summer. I always find that coming back home from a trip like this puts me in a weird funk. (And I'm not talking just about jet lag!) I tear myself up thinking about all the cool adventures I had abroad and then coming home and taking care of so many things like my job, repairing my car, and sorting laundry. Yes, I know that God is still faithful in the normal and mundane of home-I just wish I was just as excited to experience Him here as I was abroad. Does that make sense? In a way, I beat myself up thinking about how much I trusted him in very vague situations-going into strangers' homes, flying around by myself, and yet when I'm home I still worry and fret about many things.

And knowing myself, I bombard my thoughts with questions-will I go back next year? Do I sense that God is leading me closer to doing this long term? If so, when? If not, do I trust that God used this experience in every capacity He wanted? And will this experience lead to something else, and if not is that okay? At the moment, I can only say "I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M WILLING."

I may not be able to trace the hand of God as it moves in my life. Being a follower of Christ doesn't mean I can forsee the future. But I know who He is, what He's done, is doing, and somewhere on the shore of uncertainity that has to be enough. It took me a few days to process through this (and in many ways, I still be thinking about it in years to come I'm sure)

...but if anyone asks me about my trip, I'm going to tell them it was like God opened up my eyes to see His work in unique ways...

Every moment I remember, I think "was that for real?" Try the Philippines, I can't believe the rare opportunity I had to visit my mom's hometown, especially considering how disconnected I've been from my own Filipino heritage growning up. And to visit and know my grandparents in their old age-what a blessing! And in China, I never in a million years thought I'd be hanging out with college friends in a foreign country for a week. And Om*n, to find God at work in hearts of Muslims who are willing to read His Word (and now have it), to see that our friendship with them mean so much to them, to know that they see a difference in our lives compared to what they have understood Americans or Christians to be, or in comparison to their own lives and friendships.

Gratitude? Awe? Secure? Blessed? Loved? I don't know if I can narrow down how I feel to one word.
But yes, I am amazed. He didn't have to bring me to all these places, I didn't have to experience all of it. His blood is enough and yet in His kindness, He still manages to bring my self-centered, stubborn self to a point where there are no words to capture His love.

I think this is why I get passionate about Muslims and the Middle East. I've experienced the joy that comes from being loved and embraced by Christ, and my friends in Om*n don't have that joy. My friend H has a heart that hurts her, but she's afraid of hospitals. Her mom died five years ago, her parents are divorced and she's hurting. My friend M suffers from insomnia and a stomach condition that doesn't allow her to keep food in her body. She's going to have that for the rest of her life and she actually asked me if I would pray that she gets fatter. These are the sweetest girls and I know that they experienced just an ounce of God's love for them in the few days we have spent with them this year and last.

Well, this rant needs to end somewhere. A million thanks for reading my updates and praying for me. One HUGE thing I missed while I was gone is being away from my spiritual family here. I hope that wherever you have been emotionally, spiritually, and physically this past month, you can still rejoice in the love Christ gives us and we share together.